In Defense of Michelle

Not that she needs my defense. Or that anyone cares one iota for my opinion but it's my blog so I share it :) Michelle Duggar is a woman following hard after the heart of God. I'd rather my daughter turn out like her than 100% of the other women I see on television. I love her. I love her mother's heart. I love her unwavering devotion to Jesus, her husband and her children. I love that even though they are bound to be bankin' on their show and books and speaking engagements, they still buy clothes at thrift stores and she feels no pressure whatsoever to get a new hairstyle :) Her parenting decisions may not be mine. I think I'm good with 3 and I let my kids wear shorts. But one thing I've noticed again and again with Michelle and Jim Bob in everything I have watched, heard or read is they are not judging ANYONE who is not choosing to do things their way. They have a platform. An incredible platform to share Jesus and their way of doing life with the world. I for one, am greatly, greatly encouraged each time. There is no condemnation in Jesus and I'm not sensing any from the Duggars either.

I speak in a softer, gentler voice to my children after watching Michelle. I pray to gain my children's hearts (as she says) rather than expect them to follow a list of rules. I turn off the TV and make better use of my time with my kids. I include them in the kitchen. I let them play hard throughout the house :).

One of the things I keep hearing is that it's unfair to the older kids to have to raise the younger ones. First of all, I don't hear any of those kids complain. And best I can tell, Jana and John David no longer live at home. (not sure, but it appears that way. So they can leave when they're ready!) They weren't raised feeling entitled to get whatever the want, when they want it. Or to be served by their mom and a maid all their life. They do have a lot of responsibility. It will actually make them contributing members of society. And I dare say it's no different from how most people raise children, with the help of the older one(s). Their family is just really big and on television so it's magnified. I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 1 year. My 5 year old can buckle the other two into their car seats and unbuckle them when we get somewhere. He can carry grocery bags into the house. He can give the baby a bottle. He can even unload the dishwasher. And he does all of those things all the time. It helps me. It teaches him to serve and be helpful. And he LOVES being mommy's helper. I grew up sleeping in the same room with my sisters. My kids love to all sleep together. Multiply it by 20 and it looks huge, but it's really not that different.

I am legitimately concerned for her health and body. And I am praying against preeclampsia for her! But I have to agree with the concept of not giving up because you had a scary experience. I had a very scary emergency cesarean delivery of my first born. What if I'd been too scared to do it again? I'd have missed out on my other two joys. Again, with them, it's just bigger and more extreme :)

The other frequent complaint is how can she possibly have time to spend quality time with all of those children every day. Many are saying, "I don't even have time to spend with the two I have!" OK, really? Then what are you doing with your time? Michelle homeschools them all and they have a house church. The family all travels together (even to Little Rock for 7 months while Josie was in the hospital). Her children are top priority. There is time for that. If a woman is at work all day, or if children are at school for 8 hours a day, and then dropped off for an after school activity and then everyone watches TV while mom shoos kids out of her way in the kitchen, then kids go to bed... reach the weekend and are in the nursery for 3 hours on Sunday morning, then all sent to their rooms for naps while dad watches football and mom sleeps on the couch (um, that's what we do) then no, there isn't time. And my kids go to school and we watch TV. I'm not judging that. I'm just saying, she does have time to be with them because that is what she does. I have tremendous respect for that. And clearly she and Jim Bob have alone time. They have 20 children.

Bottom line to me is it seems very clear that they are completely and utterly satisfied with their choices and their life. They exude happiness and joy. Obedience leads to that. Obedience doesn't necessarily lead to a TV series and lots of money and lots of tropical vacations and stage time. Obedience doesn't equal fame. Not always. The Duggars certainly have a huge amount of responsibility to represent God well with the platform He's given them. They seem very up to the task! Sometimes our obedience to God doesn't look glamorous at all. Michelle already had 14 children (and they were already living debt free I might add) before they ever saw one TV camera. God's kingdom is an upside down one... the least is the greatest and the greatest is a servant to all. Obedience to God doesn't necessarily equal the American dream. (thank God) Because He gives so much more than that. He gives satisfaction. He gives joy in the menial and mundane. He makes the stay at home mommy in her pj's cleaning up vomit feel like a queen. (that's my story so it's the one I can share. I'm quite certain He makes tired working moms feel like queens, too!)  He blesses obedience. So, like it or not, agree with them or not, God has blessed the Duggars. They are doing something right. And it intrigues me. They are doing a lot of things right actually. And for a while I thought that meant I had to keep having babies, but I think the biggest lesson I'm learning from them is that they are blessed because they are obedient to God. And I will feel the blessing when I follow in obedience to whatever He asks of me. Expecting that from His hand come gifts and blessings beyond what I could ever dream up on my own. His Kingdom is upside down... but it's the only Kingdom I want.

Grateful

I consider myself a rather generous person. I like to think that I'm unselfish, that I give a lot of myself, my time, and my resources to others. That I put the needs of others before my own. That I consider others schedules and feelings. I don't know if that's entirely true, but it's my perception of myself anyway :). And while all this "giving" that I'm claiming to do ought to come from a place of godliness and graciousness and completely pure motives, I can't say that it always does. In fact, I often find my mind grumbling lies to myself like "see, no one ever gives as much to you as you do to them..." or "everyone in your life just takes and takes and takes while you give and give and give..." or "your marriage only works because you make all the sacrifice." (my husband is laughing out loud at the ludicrousy of that one.) I could go on, but you get the point. I am not proud of these thoughts and I mean no offense to any reader that is especially close to me, who at this moment is shouting, "Are you freaking kidding me?! I give and give to you all the time!!" Yes, I know you do, indignant friends and family members, and I'm getting to you. :)

I was driving home from Avery's dance class yesterday morning when the thought came to me. You know Kylie, people have been giving and giving and giving a lot to you lately.  You've been the recipient of a lot of grace. So I asked God to show me and immediately my mind was flooded and I was so overwhelmed with the way God has loved me through so many over the last few months. So much so, that I actually shed tears of gratitude.

Gratitude for the friend who offered to watch  my kids for a morning so I could get a pedicure and get my eyebrows waxed before I left on an anniversary trip with my husband. And while I was gone folded clothes out of my dryer and cleaned up the toy closet. And stayed my friend even after seeing the inside of my laundry room and toy closet. Gratitude for another friend who did not ask, but rather told me she was coming to help me get kids in bed one night in June, and then stayed to keep me company while Ronny was out of the country and Avery was so sick. Gratitude for my parents who graciously kept my children for an entire week while Ronny and I celebrated 10 years of marriage in St Lucia. Gratitude for my husband, who doesn't really love the sun or the beach, spending a lot of money and time off of work in a place that he knows I love. (not to mention gratitude to the man for giving me 3 incredible kids and sticking with me for 10 years!) Gratitude to yet another friend who provided a wonderful parents day out program where my kids could go when Ronny and I got stuck overnight in Miami on our way home and my mom needed to go to work. Gratitude for friends who sit in my living room while our kids destroy the place and neither of us are bothered or worried about it.

Gratitude for my younger sister who sat in a hot car with me and talked me through and calmed me through a mild panic attack without judgement. That same one suffered a miscarriage the same week Avery was diagnosed with Celiac and she cried for me and my girl. oh my gosh. i am humbled. (I had her permission to include that for public viewing) We did a lot of crying for each other that week. We felt the nearness of God together that week, too. Gratitude for my youngest sister who mourns and cries with me over losses that seem insignificant to anyone else. And who makes me laugh all the time, too. Gratitude for grandparents and cousins and other friends that I know without a doubt would give me the moon if I asked for it.

Gratitude for a friend who worked long and hard to make me the most beautiful gift I have ever received. The quilt is perfect. The words she spoke when she gave it to me and the prayers she prayed for me while she worked on it are priceless.

Gratitude for the other mommies in Avery's class who asked me at the parent meeting what she could eat because when they brought snack, they wanted her to get to have what everyone else was having and not feel left out. They didn't have to do that. I am so grateful that there are people out there who understand how I feel about her. Gratitude for all of the friends who posted on my fb wall, or sent me messages to wish Eli a happy 1st birthday yesterday. Because that means I have friends who know that loving me means loving my kids- and they love so well.

My heart is not just full. It overflows.

He sees Avery

If you've read my previous post, here is the other half of that story. It's the work God was doing in the physical in my girl, while working in the spiritual in my heart. It all goes hand in hand in my world so I hope that translates to the reader as well... or if not, this is just my little outlet place to write that no one technically is required to read :)

Back in late April, my sweet girl's health began heading down hill. Avery is 3 years old and feisty as anything. She's really, really funny and has such a sweet disposition. It all started with what the thought was a stomach bug... then the next week she hit the back of her head real hard and threw up some more which we thought was a concussion... then her tummy aches and vomiting continued but we thought this time it was a bladder infection... then antibiotics for that can certainly cause diarrhea so that had to be it... most of her vomiting took place in the middle of the night so we got her on some reflux medicine... it seemed to help for a little while but then her symptoms continued and worsened.

By the start of summer, I was really worried. Her tummy was bloated and she complained of it hurting every day. She began loosing weight. She lost color in her face. She lost her energy. I tried to avoid internet research but I was running out of options. She didn't want to eat anything. If she did she threw it up anyway. Several times she asked to go swimming after a three hour nap and after literally 10 minutes in the pool she was asking to go inside because she was too tired. I tried to suppress the anxiety I was feeling, but I kept telling Ronny, "This child is not well!!"

The last week of June Ronny went to Guatemala for a week. Avery ran high fever and vomited the whole time he was gone. I took her to the doctor mid week and it was ruled a virus and we had to wait it out. That one probably was just a virus but sure took a toll on her little body. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I knew deep down, something was really, really terribly wrong. Avery is tiny to begin with. She lost 3 pounds this summer. That's a whole lotta pounds when she was only 26 pounds to start with.

In an attempt to salvage a fun family weekend after Ronny being away, Avery being so sick, and the summer already feeling like the big fat disappointment I described the other day, I pulled together my birthday and spending money and we went to Great Wolf Lodge the July 4th weekend. That place is great fun and I highly recommend it, unless you're a very sick 3 year old who requests to nap in the room instead of play in the water and puts herself to bed during the fireworks we were watching out the window. Ronny and I both went to our family doctor with her the next day- a doctor we love and respect dearly and still do- and said, "thank you for not thinking that Avery is terribly sick and not worrying us unnecessarily, but we do believe she is very sick and we need some answers." He weighed her... and wrote in his notes "won't even play at the water park" and got serious. (He was also not the doctor who saw her with the virus the week before or I think he would have agreed earlier with our concern.)

Then, the tests began- stool samples, CT scans, x rays, blood work- we have to make sure it's not an obstruction, or tumor, or something really horrible like leukemia...

I could feel myself slipping into panic, the anxiety making my vision blur and my face feel hot and my own stomach turn over. I knelt down beside her bed at night and prayed and wept and begged God to heal her body. He never did let me fully go over to the panic and anxiety. Somehow, in a way only God can, He kept my feet from slipping. He preserved our sanity and gave us peace.One afternoon while I was praying for Avery while she was sleeping, God led me once again to Psalm 121

This was the same passage I read over and over again when Avery was a newborn and I was facing some post partum anxiety. I knew without a doubt that God was holding my little girl. That He could see her and He was holding her, watching over her and we were going to get some answers.

Finally, on July 11 we got the phone call from our doctor. Well after office the office was closed. While it had been a relief for all tests to continue to come back negative, that there was nothing wrong, we all knew there was something wrong and I wanted desperately a diagnosis that I could treat, fix, do whatever I had to do to make it better! We were waiting on one last blood test result. The antibody test that screens for Celiac Disease. The one we'd been waiting for as that had been mine and Ronny's gut feeling since May. Low and behold, it was positive. Very positive. And thus began our gluten free life!

I did cry upon diagnosis.  A lot. No one ever wants to hear their child has a lifelong illness, however manageable. No one wants a label or a limitation or anything that makes their child feel different. Then I began unloading boxes of snacks and pasta and goldfish crackers into my trash can. It just made me feel better to rid my house of the poison! And I grieved and thanked God all at once.

We prayed for answers. For a solution to our problem. We prayed that God would heal her and that her little body would thrive once again. And God gave the answer- quit eating gluten! :) In 48 hours I had a different child. An energetic, happy, obedient, hungry child! We met with a specialist recently and we still have to do a biopsy of her small intestine to assess damage, but she has gained nearly 4 pounds, regained color in her face, and let me tell you, the energy is back! We know it will still be a few months before her body has totally healed and as long as she stays off of gluten products, she should have no further health issues. It really isn't that big of a deal.

I tell myself that over and over when I start to give in to the enormity of changing our lifestyle, it's not that big of a deal. It's not cancer. It's not anaphylactic even.  It's just food. I've made gluten free lasagna, spaghetti and macaroni and cheese already. Our family really cannot tell the difference. Just use pasta made from rice or corn instead of wheat. It's not that big of a deal. I have a batch of gluten free cupcakes in the freezer that we pull out to take to birthday parties so she can have a cupcake like the other kids. We've already done it twice! It's not that big of a deal :)

Last week though I began to stress and worry about the future... how will Avery go to college and live in a dorm?! Everything in the cafeteria will be cross contaminated with gluten! How will we ever go on vacation and eat out? Cooking at home is easy compared to eating out. How will we make the trip to Africa next summer that we've been planning for two years? How can I possibly keep her gluten free in a foreign country. FDA requires wheat to be listed as an allergen on any product that could have come in contact with wheat... will other countries follow that as well? Oh the eating anywhere but home totally stresses me. People don't get it. I picture this fine layer of wheat flour dusting everything in the kitchen! ;)

Then I heard the Holy Spirit so gently say, "It's just food." That's been my mantra this last month. Then He reminded me of a verse I've heard since childhood that actually is so profound and meaningful to our family right now. From Matthew 6: ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?^{... 31} So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

He knows what she needs. He knows it's just food and He will provide. No need to worry. He sees her and He cares. And when everyone else grows tired of me talking about it, or reading about it, or thinking about it. He's still going to care. :) About me and my girl. It lets me rest knowing the Father cares about her even more than I do. phew!

He sees me

It's not been two full months since my last post, plus some. This wasn't exactly the summer I had planned and I found myself just trying to keep my head up. We're turning a corner now and I plan on a GREAT last week of summer before school starts next week :)

There were moments when I thought and actually said out loud, "this whole summer has just been one big fat disappointment". It was work, lots of it, for me. It was hard. Little things got to me and things didn't go like I had planned. I found myself slipping into feelings of depression and the thought would cross my mind, "nothing EVER goes like I have planned... nothing ever works out or lives up to my expectations." Part of the problem was that I set impossible expectations for anyone to live up to, especially small children who don't say, "mommy, thank you so much for all the work you did to make this week so much fun for me!" HA! I mean, whose children 5 and under say that?! That was a ME problem. Ridiculous really.

Then one afternoon, I'm sure in a foggy and woe- is- me state I picked up a book I've had for a while and began to read. Chapter two of Angela Thomas' book "Do You Know Who I Am?" touched a place so deep inside my heart that I found myself not just crying but heaving loud sobs as I read. Obviously it was something I was harboring deep inside but didn't even have the words for. I tried to talk to my mom about it that night but continued to just cry instead :). That was mid June. Maybe now I have some words to explain, I'll try anyway!

The author writes several stories I could relate to and some made me tear up and some made me giggle a little and then out of nowhere (to me) she says, "Maybe the experience that taught me the most about being invisible is being a mom... They [her children] became my world, and I didn't want it any other way (I agree!) then...Invisibility creeps in to cover your life. No one can see all that you do and the dreams that you dream. (I do dream.) Except for God. He sees. He sees you wander through the night retucking the princess sheets and the superhero blankets. He stands with you in the laundry room, cheering for you as you match the endless socks and take the extra minutes to work on the newest stains. He knows that you struggle with the monotony of one day after another, each one exhausting and without a measurable accomplishment. Not only does God see, but maybe it would help you to know that He is filled with great pride over how you sacrifice and love. He watches as you care for the ones He has entrusted to you. When you give to those who will forget to say thank you, (oh please don't miss this part-), all of heaven stands up to applaud you... Invisible and unseen, at least on this earth. But so very noticed by God."  (italics are mine :))

There is a lovely mix of snot and tears running down my face as I retype those words. I didn't know I felt like that. I didn't think I should. I mean, I have great parents, and a fantastic marriage, and 3 wonderful blessings in my children.. I have great friends that include my incredible sisters. But when those words began to soothe a wound, a wound I didn't even know I had, well I knew the Lord was working on something. Suddenly, so many things came to my mind, places that I felt I didn't matter, places I thought I had been replaceable, unheard, or unneeded. Not in a way that my mind was flooded with depressing thoughts, but places God was bringing to the surface of my mind to tell me how those thoughts were lies. All of them. It would take me the next couple of months and into last week to fully grasp it all, but here I am at a turning point. Where I have truly been able to let go of those lies. To experience healing in those little areas that grew into great big places without my knowing. He is El Roi, the God who sees. Genesis 16:13 says of Hagar, "she gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her; "you are the God who sees me, for she said, 'I have now seen the One who sees me.'" I've known of God my whole life and Jesus as my Savior since I was 7, but this summer I saw the One who sees me. He sees me.

I griped about the same things over and over for months now and finally I feel some freedom. Freedom to be me and be my best self, and looking forward to what God is doing next. To just let some things go. Trusting God to turn things out for my best and fill me in ways I have been lacking. I trust Him to continue healing some legitimate hurts and to deal gently with my tender heart. I trust as I walk in obedience to rearrange some things in my life, that I will be satisfied by Him in ways I've never known. How I feel and who I am matter to Him. He sees me.
He sees my daughter, too... That post still to come :)

Finishing a great year

On the first day of school back in August, I looked like this :
We managed to get a full week under our belts to establish some sort of routine, before we looked like this:The first few months are honestly a total blur and it was probably even second semester before I clued in. My big two were so immensely blessed with incredible teachers this year. I absolutely cannot believe how fast the year flew... or that Eli is already 9 months old... and that the year is already over!

I signed up for the last party of the year because I was certain by the time that May came along, I would totally have my act together. Well, as everyone knows, I don't have my act together, but I did manage to pull together a little luau perfect for a group of silly 5 year olds. :)
Avery finished up her Mother's Day Out days: Now it's on to preschool.

She gets more beautiful by the day.

Hudson wrapped up preschool: and is totally stoked for Kindergarten. (me, not so much) He is such a stud. I'm pretty sure he has a higher IQ than I do.

AND SUMMER IS HERE! Love it. Love summer. Love it every year since I have memory.

This one may be a challenge, however, so I'm curious to see how it's going to play out. We've now had 3 carefree days and I already know it's going to take some... patience and creativity on my part. First I have to get Eli and Avery napping at the same time so that I don't take cranky, tired children out in public but I don't sit home all day with a stir crazy 5 year old while Eli takes a morning nap, then Avery sleeps early afternoon, then Eli sleeps again late afternoon. Yep, that's the whole day... not gonna work every day all summer. I also don't want to take on 3 small children to the pool alone (that's just not safe) SO, who wants to go swimming with us?! (or sit here while Eli sleeps?! ) :)

Ronny has a full summer as always, but thankfully, a lot is local this summer and he won't be gone so much. Hooray!

Already I love relaxed bedtimes, snow cones and watermelon... and very little agenda. Now if I can just remember to do laundry and go to the grocery store...

Just keeps getting better

He is absolutely the best baby ever. I mean it. I mean, my life isn't perfect, but my baby boy is.
If you find your heart is hurting sometime and you need a salve for that wound, come let him lay his head on your shoulder. I promise you'll feel better.Feel exhausted before you ever get out of bed? Come get this guy first thing in the morning. He'll be so happy to see you, that you'll forget how tired you are.
Feeling lonely? Come walk in my front door and watch this little dude speed crawl to you. You will probably laugh out loud in delight, just as he is doing as you pick him up.

Oh my baby boy, what did I ever do without you?!

Changing so fast!

Before Eli turns 8 months old at the end of this week, I need to catch up and record his 7 months happenings!

He is changing so fast. It's ridiculous. One thing that has absolutely been different about my 3rd is how quickly time passes and how quickly he changes. I know it's the activity of the older two that makes it feel that way but he makes my head spin! He is absolutely the sweetest baby in the world. He's even slept through the night a couple of times this month! ;)

ELI:

loving puffs, nursing, pears, bananas... and eating in general. HALLELUJAH! May it always be!

crawling. standing. smiling at Elmo.

expoloring the contents of Easter eggs.

more handsome than ever.

snuggly. smiley. happy. love of my life.

This is my favorite picture ever of Hudson:He was almost 6 months old here. I tried to recreate it with Eli to see how much they would look alike. Eli has such a big noggin that the 6-12 month hat was too little for his 7 month old head :) Sure is precious though!
"TADA! It's good to be me!!" - Eli, 7 months